The Relative Theory Of Pants
by thecellocaseofdoom
Summary: Just a simple crack fic. Beware of complete and utter crack and reproducing pants ahead. Please don't forget to review! Thanks minna


**Just another humor oneshot, minna! ******** Extremely perverted if you squint at the right places. Slight NiouXMiyuki, but only if you slam your face against the monitor. Shout out to Kaz! We came up with the idea during recess of that stupid, stupid review. Hope you have fun reading, minna!**

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It was a peaceful, quiet day in Rikkai. Leaves rustled, the wind whistled, the sun shone and birds chirped. The Rikkai regulars were awed by the silence. They were used to deafening sounds accompanied by noises from hell and the occasional manly grunt.

It was quiet. Too quiet.

Marui stepped cautiously under the sunlight, howling as the sun's rays hit his arm. "OW! MY SKIN! It BURNS!" Unaccustomed to sunlight, as they were, the Rikkai Regulars vaguely resembled cavemen only with abs.

Niou narrowed his eyes, looking for the usual source of all the noise. He spotted the two demons sitting under a tree and walked off to interrogate them.

Shocked, he found the two girls sitting cross legged under the tree with books and pieces of paper scattered around them.

"What," Niou asked. "Are you doing?"

"Studying," Kazumi replied, not looking up from the book she was reading.

Niou was stunned. Studying? Miyuki and Kazumi did not study. They read, they blackmailed, they bribed, they aced, they passed, but they did not study.

"Studying about?" He pressed, lest it be another one of those weird, twisted ways of destroying mankind. Niou began to compose his will in his mind.

_The Last Will and Testament of Niou Masaharu:_

_I leave all my debts and unfinished Math homework to Sanada Genichirou: My debts are your debts now._

_I leave all the stuff precious to my heart to my beloved tennis partner Yagyuu Hiroshi. You will find them under a box of porn magazines. _

_I leave all my playboy magazines and porn pictures to Kirihara Akaya, and there is nothing Yukimura can do about it. _

_All of the rest of you people whom I have "forgotten" to put in my will, don't worry. If you were that important, I'd have remembered. _

_To Sanada: It was me who replaced your underwear with pink lacies, not Akaya. _

_To Yukimura: It was me who sent you that box of bras and not Marui. _

_To Jackal: It was me who burned your picture of your coach, not Akaya. _

_To Renji: It was me who disguised myself as Sadaharu Inui wearing a bikini and prancing about on your doorstep, not Yagyuu. _

_That is all. _

"The Relative Theory of Pants," replied Miyuki in earnest contemplation of the book in front of her.

"The Relative Theory of—WHAT?" Niou spluttered, shocked back into reality.

"Pants, my simple-minded friend, pants," Miyuki sighed in exasperation.

"The Relative Theory of Pants? What the hell is that supposed to be? The study of butt sizes?" Niou snorted, plopping down in front of them.

"No…" Kazumi said slowly. "The Relative Theory of Pants is the study of how pants can actually reproduce, and make more of its' kind provided that no humans are at present, and the pants are hidden in an enclosed space.

"So you're telling me, that behind my back, my pants go fucking in my closet?"

"…Possibly."

"Fascinating."

"Hey Niou?" Miyuki looked up at Niou with big brown eyes.

"Yeah?"

"Gimme your pants."

"Excuse me?"

"Gimme your pants,"

"WHY?"

"Because," Miyuki stated matter-of-factly. "We need to see if the Relative Theory of Pants is true and that pants can reproduce,"

"So I'm just supposed to stand in my boxers while you go and see if my pants will go and make love to another pair of pants?" Niou asked, absentmindedly tugging his shirt up to display well toned abs and a flat stomach.

"What...?" Miyuki mumbled. She sounded deeply distracted by something along Niou's stomach region. Kazumi desperately tried to haul her best friend back from Girl Hormone Planet.

"HEY LOOK! IT'S THE…ICE…CREAM MAN!" Kazumi screamed, pointing at a tree. Miyuki uttered a squeal of delight then, momentarily distracted, peered curiously at the ice cream man\tree.

"Well he certainly looks…green."

"…"

"Whatever, just give me your pants!" Miyuki turned back to Niou.

"Why can't you go get Sanada's pants instead?"

"But that would require _walking_."

"…Then go get "female pants" first, then!"

"Already taken care of," Kazumi beamed. Miyuki was glaring holes at the ground.

"Okay, whose pants did you steal?"

With a sigh, Miyuki stood up, wearing only her shame and her underwear. Niou gaped. Kazumi beamed, a look of delight etched on her face.

"Miyuki-underwear-oh oh _oh_-" Niou collapsed on the ground, tears running down his eyes.

"Why didn't we get _your_ pants again?" Miyuki hissed, turning to glare at Kazumi.

"I have my period today," Kazumi replied, crossing her fingers behind her back.

"Just to tell you, I'm deeply disgusted by the bad mental images that this pants theory has screwed in my mind. Thank God I hate these pants," Miyuki stared accursedly at the pants which made her butt look big. Or so Niou said. She still couldn't figure out if it had been a compliment or an insult. Both odds looked depressing.

"Okay, lover boy, stop laughing." Miyuki's eye twitched and she tugged on Niou's hair until the latter couldn't bear the pain anymore.

"Nice undies, Yuki," Niou snorted, staring without a vestige of shame at Miyuki's blood red underwear with the little hearts. "Really puts the mood in for a-"

"OKAY! Enough info. Are you going to give us your pants or not?" Miyuki snarled, wearing a look so vicious, Niou could almost feel it peel his skin layer by layer. Muttering under his breath, Niou tugged his pants off and handed it to Kazumi who was snickering at his checkered boxers.

"Are you guys the same size?" Kazumi asked, checking the labels at the back.

"Doubt it." Miyuki hissed, protecting herself from Niou's pervert's eye view.

"Are we?"

"Not in the slightest."

"Wow."

"What's all this for, anyway?"

"School report."

"Somehow, I highly doubt that."

"Nobody said you had to believe,"

During the next two hours after placing the pants in an old janitor's closet along with a surveillance camera, the two pant-less teens and the sadistic Kazumi sat on the ground, trading stories (about Niou), shooting insults (at Niou), and occasionally throwing shoes (directed at Niou).

Niou had the distinct feeling he was being harassed, but decided it was well worth it after managing to get a snapshot of little Yuki wearing nothing but her undies. And also because he managed to steal Kazumi's oh-so-loaded wallet.

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_School Report _

_By: Miyuki Mei Suzumi and Kazumi Sachiko Suzume_

_The Relative Theory of Pants_

_The Relative Theory of Pants is a load of bullshit. There were NO little baby pants anywhere, and Miyuki and Niou's pants weren't even CLOSE. _

_This, therefore proves that pants cannot reproduce, and it is extremely disgusting and terrifying to picture, so don't even try. _

_Also, Niou has quite a nice set of abs. _

_**Teacher's comments: Therapy, three times a week, for three months.**_

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In the Janitor's closet, a new pair of pants was born.

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**Ah…Miyuki and Kazumi and their schemes. Please don't forget to review, minna! **


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